


Little Do You Know How I'm Breaking While You Fall Asleep

by eversinceniall



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: ? - Freeform, Apologies, F/F, F/M, Friends to Enemies, Friendship, Goodbyes, Hurt, Jealousy, Letters, Sad Ending, Suicide, Unrequited Love, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 05:07:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2569253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversinceniall/pseuds/eversinceniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry can't take it anymore. So he writes his goodbyes...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Do You Know How I'm Breaking While You Fall Asleep

I'm not all that sure what to write. First of all, this is a suicide note. I think in suicide notes you're supposed to tell the reason why. I will get to the reason, but first I want to say my goodbyes. I know this will hurt you all, but nothing could have prevented this. It's been a long time coming, you could say.   
  
  
 _Dear Gemma,_  
 _You've been the best older sister I could have. I know sometimes we argue, but we're closer than most siblings and it means a lot to me that I got to have a close relationship with you. You're more like my best friend than my sister, and you've been there to comfort me through all this (you're the only person who knew so only you'll understand this), and I know that you tried._  
  
  
 _You tried to help me, to put me back together, but I was already too broken by time you found out. There was nothing you could have done, and it's not your fault so please, promise me, you won't blame yourself.  I'm sorry. I love you. Please take care of mum for me._  
  
  
 _Dear Mum,_  
 _I think you always knew, even though you never said anything. I saw the knowing looks you would give me when he was around. I know you know who I'm talking about. I wasn't afraid to tell you, I just thought, if I told you the whole story, you'd be disappointed in me._  
  
  
 _I know now that I was wrong, you would have supported me and my stupid feelings. I love you, so much. I know this will devastate you, and I never ever want you to be hurt, but I guess by ending my life, you'll be in pain no matter what. Gemma will be there for you, and she'll tell you everything, she'll take care of you, and so will Robin. I love you, and I'm so sorry I never opened up._  
  
  
 _Dear Zayn,_  
 _I know you've always been closer to Louis, while I had Niall, but you're still one of my best friends, even if we weren't as close as we could have been. I've always been envious of you and Liam. You guys took awhile to get things sorted out and admit your feelings for each other, and I'm happy for you, I really really am. I do envy you though, because I've always thought you're lucky. You get to wake up and fall asleep with the person you love, while I stared longingly, hoping for him to finally realize he loved me, too. We both know who I'm talking about. It's just...you and Liam love each other so much, and... sometimes it's hard to watch._  
  
  
 _But I don't wish you and Liam weren't together, because you are meant for each other. So don't feel guilty, don't let Liam feel guilty either, for being in love, all because I was jealous. Don't be guilty that you're in love. You deserve it, and I wish you could promise me something. I want you to never ever let Liam go because you need each other. I saw how miserable you were before you got together._  
  
  
 _I want you to live a good life together, and don't lose him. Never. Please take care of Louis for me, he'll be upset, and you'll be one of the only ones he'll talk to, trust me, I know. I'm sorry, too, for ruining everyone's careers, but you'll do fine solo, I know it. I love you, and I wish things were different, but they're not, and I'm sorry. But I love you, and I'm glad for every single day we were together. You boys mean the world to me._  
  
  
 _Dear Liam,_  
 _You've always been sort of an anchor for us all. You have never been closer to Louis or me. You've always been in between, dividing your attention instead of choosing one side and sticking with it. You've always been the calm and collected one, and I hate that you never get angry or mad, because how is that even possible? I know you've suspected my feelings for him._  
  
  
 _To be honest, I'm not surprised, you've always been the most observant out of the group, obviously, if Louis was observant he would have realized that I'm hopelessly- never mind. I don't want to ramble about Louis, this is about you. I want you to not let Zayn do anything stupid, because although him and I aren't as close as we could be, you and I both know he'll be crushed by this._  
  
  
 _He'll act out, and he'll be angry, but you can keep him calm, he'll listen to you, because he loves you. I love you, but you know that, and I want you to have the best life possible, because I only want for you to be happy. I am sorry, too, for this, but I don't think I'll regret it, and even if I did, it can't be undone._  
  
  
 _Dear Niall,_  
 _Oh Niall, I've always been close to you, even when we were on the X-Factor. You're so carefree and easy to get along with. You're not afraid to be yourself and speak your mind, which I've always admired about you. A lot of people don't know that you're sensitive, they think you're tough, and all that shit, but really, you're sweet and kind._  
  
  
 _Since you're so laid back, I told you everything._  
  
  
 _Sadly, that crush on Louis never went away, huh?  You've been very supportive through everything, and you didn't pressure me to move on or at least tell him about my feelings, like I'd expected. I know you've always been worried about me, and truthfully, you were right to be. I don't think anything could have changed this. I think this was always the outcome. I love you, Ni, and I want you to have a good life. Find a nice girl or boy, whatever makes you happy, get married, and have tons of babies for me, okay?_  
  
  
 _Dear Louis,_  
  
 _I hate this, and I hate writing this, and I hate telling you this, but I suppose I have to, don't I? I don't want to hurt you, because I hate hurting you and- wow. I'm rambling, sorry. Okay...you're the reason I'm ending my life. Wow, that was blunt. Sorry. This is probably going to be really long because I have alot to say and alot to explain. Okay._  
  
  
 _I liked you, alot._  
  
  
 _You were bubbly and always so cheerful about almost everything. Instantly you and I clicked, and we were inseperable. I always knew there was something special about you; about the way you make me feel. And, I had a crush on you. Just a simple, innocent crush, nothing more._  
  
  
 _And I just I- I thought you felt it, too. You've always been more cuddly and affectionate with me than the rest of the boys, or anyone else, for that matter. And you never talked about Hannah, so I wasn't really surprised when you broke up with her. But I thought maybe you broke up with her for me. We were close, so close._  
  
  
 _Remember when we stayed up all night talking about our families, our hobbies, past relationships, back when we were still getting to know each other. I thought you're feelings would be at least somewhat mutual._  
  
  
 _But then you met Eleanor. You mentioned her name and I tried not to cringe. It wasn't until you kissed her right in front of me and I felt this searing pain in my chest, and I was so jealous I wanted to punch something, that's when I realized why I felt such hatred for Eleanor. I'm in love with you. But I held everything in, and you never even noticed my distress when she's around._  
  
  
 _And I wondered how my best friend couldn't see the hurt in my eyes. After you met her, it was like a switch flipped.  You were still handsy, and all, but then it got less and less. Until you hardly made physical contact with me. Was it seriously that hard to simply put an arm around my shoulders?_  
  
  
 _Anything? And suddenly, we never touched at all, and when we did, you flinched away like your flesh was burning. But you still talked to me. Not much, but you did, sometimes. Except, it was all Eleanor this, and Eleanor that. And my heart felt like it was bleeding, and it still feels that way._  
  
  
 _And that's why I'm doing this, writing this, everything. It's all because of you. I suppressed the feelings for awhile, downplayed them, actually. But everytime you so much as mentioned her, it all rushed back._  
  
  
 _All I know is that looking at you makes me feel like I'm floating. It knocks the breath out of me, and leaves me gasping for air. It's like when I look at you, I forget how to breathe, to function properly. You give me butterflies, the good kind. When you touch me I feel like my whole body ignites, I feel like I'm on fire just from your touch. It's a burning sensation, slow and bitterly sweet._  
  
  
 _An ache, a want to be closer to you._  
  
  
 _When you talk to me, I feel dizzy and nervous, even after knowing you for so long, and I blurt random things because my mind is still trying to process the thought that you're interested in what I think, and I'm trying to impress you, but I can't seem to form proper words, so I stutter or talk too fast and the words all jumble together. And you just smile all bright and happy and act like I didn't just make a complete fool of myself, and you ignore my awkwardness, and I just want to die, because I want you, I need you, but I can't, never will have you._  
  
  
 _So I tell myself that being your friend is enough, and I can deal with it, but I know that's not true, because every time I watch you kiss her, I want to scream and throw things, and my heart does this thing where it feels like it's shrinking, trying to get smaller and hide, to protect itself, and shield itself from breaking._  
  
  
 _And it works, but I still feel this indescribable rage, an urge to pull her away from you, and curse at her, tell her that you're mine, but I can't because you're not really mine. You're only mine in my head where I can pretend that everything is perfect and I'm living a fantasy life. But I'm not, because it's all a dream, it's my ridiculous imagination trying to convince me that somehow I have a chance with you. But it's all a big lie, because deep inside I know I don't have any chance with you, but a part of me can't give up on that tiny piece of hope._  
  
  
 _And I tell myself that I need to move on, and I try to, and sometimes I really think I do, but then you come storming back into my life with all your perfection. And even when I date someone else, I can't help it, I always compare them to you, because you would be so much better,and you'd kiss better, and your hands are smaller, your eyes are blue not hazel, and you're shorter than me, and your hair is brown not blonde. And then I imagine that it's you I'm kissing and not him, but it's not right, and I feel so wrong, because I feel like I'm cheating on you when I'm with him, even though we aren't dating. And I feel this guilt that won't go away. I try to ignore you, to shut you out of my life, but you always crawl right back in._  
  
  
 _Sometimes I think I'm dreaming, and I'll wake up and you and I will be together, and she won't exist. But this isn't a dream, it's my life, no matter how much I wish it wasn't._  
  
  
 _You're beautiful. It's hard not to love you. So, so hard. And I do, love you, I mean. You love her, and I love you, and I can't handle it anymore. I'm sorry for doing this, not that you'll care that much, but I still want you to understand my reasons._  
  
  
 _And I miss you. I miss the Louis you used to be, even though you're the same, at the same time you're not. You act the same with Niall, Zayn, and Liam, but with me, you're cold and distant. So now you know why. So I'm doing this because I can't stand to watch you be with her, and know that you're straight, and you don't and never will want me. I've lived with it for four years now, and it's too much._  
  
  
 _Even though I hate the thought, I still want you to get married and have kids, and live the life you've always wanted. The fact that I'm in love with you shouldn't change anything, and I hope it doesn't._  
  
  
 _Just remember that I do love you, and I always will. I think in every world, dimension, universe, I will love you. I love you, I love you, I love you._  
  
  
 _-Harry xx (Remember when I said I would do anything for you? Even die for you?)_  
  
  
~No one's POV~  
Harry Styles was found dead in his apartment the next day.


End file.
